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It’s just a day, right? It’s here and gone before you know it. You surprise that special someone with the perfect card, dinner out? What if you don’t….feel special? Then what?
That’s what I asked myself this Valentine’s Day. How can I show my love for someone else when I don’t love myself? You see...my love has led me down the back roads of life. Left me in the dust. Told me to get a life! Taken me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
Sounds like every love story, right? Wrong. I’m an addict. My true love is this deep, dark secret that’s buried so deep inside me that I think I will never be able to share the loneliness, the yearning, the absolute roller coaster I’m on every day of my life. No wonder I don’t love myself.
So what am I going to do this Valentine’s Day? I don’t have anyone to share this special day with… except my addiction. But I want human contact. Someone to care about me. Someone to love me.
But I know I have to learn to love myself first. That’s going to be tough. Hey, my addiction has filled that void, that empty place in my heart for so long, saying goodbye will be like casting aside a lifelong friend who’s been there for every dead end, detour, and mile I have travelled.
I don’t know if I’m up for that? The separation? The uncertainty? The withdrawal? The unknown? What can I expect on the other side? What will it feel like? Will I feel accepted by others? Will I accept myself? All those questions fill my head with doubt and hope.
It will take courage to face myself for the first time. To realize, there’s no curtain to hide behind. No false sense of security I can rely on when the going gets tough. But isn’t that when the tough get going?
So, it’s Valentine’s Day. But loving myself could be the best Valentine’s gift I’ve ever received.
There are 12 months, 365 days in a year, 11 official holidays, not to mention all those unofficial celebrations like office parties, birthday parties, anniversary parties, weddings and the list goes on and on…and I…have an eating disorder. I don’t want to become a recluse, but anyone with an eating disorder knows how hard it is to manage all the food you find on all the days and celebrations listed above. Frankly, it’s overwhelming. To think, I have almost a whole year before me.  ... Continue Reading
To be honest, I can’t remember too many of my St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. They were filled with numerous toasts and memories, and all were lost in the fog of alcohol.It’s too bad because it’s such a joyous time. Continue Reading
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